Beulah and Bonita were always the apple of
everyone’s eye in the small village on the mountain
where they were born.  It was the first time in the
history of the village, that an immaculate conception
had occurred resulting in beautiful TWINS.

From the day of their birth,
when the doctor spanked their
beautiful round bottoms and
both said, “Oh, yes Daddy!”,
they knew they were special
and destined for great things.

They had a wonderful carefree
childhood; dressing in their
little Levis and Pendelton
shirts (they began to wonder
if they might be lesbians): But
as time went on and they played
more with the older boys and
began longing for frilly dresses
and Barbies, they knew life had
not been so cruel.

The only flaw in the situation occurred one afternoon when
the Mormon Bishop came to call and informed dear old
Mother Bitch that the twins should stop referring to themselves
as Beulah and Bonita; to use their true names, stop playing in
the woods with the older boys and married men (The Bishop
forgot to include himself), and that under no circumstances
could they start a Girl Scout Troop.

Later that night as Beulah and Bonita were in their little beds
and the candle was out, and with nothing to do (it had been a
good day in the woods), they talked over what the Bishop had
said;  They did take some things lying down; but this was not
going to be one of them.  They decided to head down the mountain.

Born on a farm, and not content to stay;
They always knew, they’d be a star someday.
Goodbye to the west, farewell to the farm;
The world will now be graced by their charm!

It was very frightening at first for
the beautiful Bitch Sisters.
Everywhere they went people
would stare. The Sisters just
thought they were not used to
seeing such BEAUTY.
Beulah and Bonita’s first stop was Las Vegas.  The lights,
the action and the old men!  The Bitch Sisters found out
about Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts in short order,
as they ended up as short order cooks in a Senior Citizen’s
home. They made good money (mostly after the shuffleboard
game was over for the night and the Geritol kicked in), and
finally were able to buy their own house and a stable of girls,
calling it:  DOUBLE PLEASURE . . . DOUBLE FUN!

Once again it was a visitor that made a turning point in the
Sisters’ lives; this time the Vice Squad.  Dear Beulah and
Bonita were incarcerated for 30 days in Sing Sing; which
the Sisters had always thought was a famous choral group.
But as always, Beulah and Bonita made the best of the
situation; making friends with the handsome Latino guard.
The true test of their talent was when they won 1st place in
the prison talent show, “Don’t Bend Over in the Shower”.
Finally the Sisters were released because they were so damn
good; and it was not their behavior.

Next stop, New York City.  Give me
your tired, but please not your poor!
The Bitch Sisters were able to get a
gig at a bathhouse where they sang
dirty ditties to men wrapped in
towels. A truly wonderful experience
and one they would cherish.

After the bathhouse burned down (the sisters were really hot),
and there was some question about the insurance money the
Bitch Sisters obtained, they thought it best to take a season
abroad.  They had been “a broad” everywhere else it seemed.
Dear Beulah and Bonita were offered a job on a boat.  Hello
Europe!  Could it be possible, perhaps meet Royalty; marriage,
fur coats, jewels?  They were on the boat for two days before
they realized it was not an ocean liner headed to Europe.
They were not to do shows on a cruise ship; they were on a
tanker headed for Cuba.  Fifty big, burly hairy seaman; oh well,
the Bitch Sisters would just have to make do!

Upon their arrival in Cuba, just as
they were leaving the port and walking
down the Grand Via, a man on the corner
said, “quien es tu. Papa?”.  Not knowing
much Spanish and remembering that
Mother Bitch had always said not to
talk to foreigners, the Bitch Sisters
missed a golden opportunity to have
someone look after them.  Life was a
bit of a struggle for Beulah and Bonita
in Cuba; but there were good things to
offset the bad, like all the bicycle seats
to sniff during their off hours.

There were many off hours and it seems they were making
very little money, even through they worked two different
corners each night.  The Bitch Sisters decided to move on.

The real struggle though was yet to come for the Bitches.
They needed to prove who they were; how to do that when
they were not even sure themselves.  So, with no passport,
no money, they set sail on a raft (made from the styro heads
used to hold their wigs) for Key West.  The winds were good
and with their wigs high on their heads for sails, they made
it to Key West just as the Fantasy Fest Parade was to start
down Duval Street; and as they say:

THE REST IS HISTORY!

The Bitch Sisters were
crowned Queens of Fantasy
Fest in the year 2000
and currently serve as
the Gaywill Ambassadors
of the Conch Republic.